Borrowed Sunshine

Sure, everything's fine and dandy now. But just you wait, when the sun will no longer shine as brightly then you will realize it was just not meant to be.

It's done. Said goodbye and nearly drowned in tears.

Told you it wasn't easy. In fact, it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I had to. The universe had its reasons for this. And though it was neither clear nor written in stone, it still had to happen.

Now, comes the hard part…moving on.

You start by waking up to a new day and feeling not as shitty as when you cried yourself to sleep the previous night. And even if the day wasn't going as planned, waking up late, waiting for a freakin' cab for nearly 30 minutes only to end up taking an Airport Taxi which charges double the regular fare, shirt crumpled, sweating all over, wrong socks --- gray socks on black pants (TRAGIC!), I psyched myself to make it a better day. I got to the office and stared blankly on my Starbucks tumbler which had a Nestle 3-in-1 for about 15 minutes. I didn't eat breakfast, didn't feel the need to. I listened to the radio seemingly torturing myself. And just like a big jolt of lighting, it struck me to wake up from my dazed state.

Uncertain on how to exactly do this but I guess, I will be fine. It's not as if this is the first time. Still, it hurts just as much as the first.

I am an actor in play for fools, pretending to the world that life is as it should be --- well. Not everyone is as strong but I could pretend. I'm good at that. After all, what good would continues mourning in public do? That's best done in private and preferably with beer and a lit cigarette.

So I smile and laugh throughout the day pretending that the day went fine and dandy.

But yes, the sun didn't shine as brightly today as the day we met. On that 'Pho Hoa Moment' when neither of us knew that we'd say "Goodbye" as quickly as we said "Hello." Once I borrowed, I now had to return.

And then we both realized, it really was just not meant to be.


Photo: Fence by Noel Abelardo

It's Complicated.

Photo: "Empty Chair" by Noel Abelardo

If only there was a better way.
If only there was an easier way to say goodbye.
But even if I crack my skull open,
I know there really isn't any easier way to
let go.

A recent blog entry of a friend made me realize a few parts of my (love)life that, for as long as I could recall, I ignored or refused to accept. And writing about it is more difficult that you might think.

I fall in and out of love almost instantly and in repetitive successions and it's not healthy. Not even for an enduring heart such as mine. I am what they say co-dependent and have this eternal fear, that until quite recently I thought I conquered, to be alone... to live and die alone. Come to think of it, there really isn't anything wrong with being alone, most especially if you're gay. Being such, the fact remains that singlehood, loneliness, depression, and being alone is as natural and inevitable as death itself.

It got me thinking: do homosexual relationships really last? For people like us, this has been the million dollar question of a lifetime. Answers and opinions vary depending I guess on experiences. For those people who were lucky enough to find their 'life partner' this is a big fat YES. But for the majority, it remains only as a possibility.

If you've followed my blog from the very beginning you'll know that I am a love-a-holic. I am often disillusioned by the promises of forever and the chance to get my 'happy ever after.' And for the countless times that my heart was broken I remained ever-so loyal to its ability to heal itself only to be broken again. I am not saying that you should lose faith and hope on love. But truth is, not everyone is as blessed. It may be a disadvantage that my heart has this innate capability of loving endlessly and in so many different levels but I am starting to believe that it's getting to be a burden.

I should start taking care of it (my heart) before it totally gives up on the entire idea. And I don't mean that only on the emotional sense but physically as well. I've been abusing it by not exercising, not eating right, cigarettes and alcohol. I'd sooner die than find that darn soul mate. If it even exists. On which another blog from a friends' friend pointed out clearly that it's statistically impossible for you to find your soul mate. And even if you do find him/her in your lifetime, there's probably some screwed up reason why you still can't be together. So really, why waste time finding them, when you can get the next best thing... the person who just cares and loves for you. Don't bother thinking if he/she is THE ONE because chances are, you will live the rest of your life not knowing.

So how do I keep happy? I really don't know. But I will much rather try than be in a situation I am not supposed to be in. I will have to pull up some courage to do what I'm about to do but I know this is the right thing to do.

I don't want to be 'that' person who finds happiness at the expense of another. I shall not become the person I hate the most.

I've waited 15 months for a good relationship to come what's another 15. I guess if it'll be worth the wait then I should.


But there isn't any.
Only to cry and mourn
for a time until it's over.
Then just... move on.

PhotoShoot Stint

My first attempt at studio photography. I never realized it was that difficult. I took a looooot of photos but here are what I consider ze best!

Photography by: Noel Abelardo
Hair and Make Up: Madz Castillo
Assistant Photographer: Atty. Aidde Gaces
Set-Up/Outfits: Dimples Reytas and Abie Pana
Messenger/Driver/All-around: May Castillo
Support/Beet provider: Argem

HAHAHAH!!! That's it folks! Hope you like it!

PS. Sa mga pic-nappers, pwede mag acknowledge. Hahahaha! Sorry the post took forever! Loveyah!!!











More pictures at my multiply site or check out my Facebook. =D

Anguish.

It's not that hard to figure out how life plays with you sometimes. How, more often than not, things unexpected can disrupt the entire pattern of your ever-so monotonous existence. While some may welcome it lovingly with open arms, others seem to run away from it because sudden change scares them.

I fell in love. Unexpectedly.

And while love is a common and but-oh-so-natural thing for me, this is one I've never encountered. I'm in love with someone, whose heart belongs to someone else. It's been with that someone else for 5 long years to be exact.

I cannot put to words how and why it happened. It was as if the universe conspired to bring us together but only to remain anything BUT lovers. It's cruel, but it's life. It's unfair but there's little we could do. It's that little voice telling you to let go and move on, move forward, but it's much harder than you people might think. How could you let go of something or someone that could make you happy? That has made you happier than you've ever been. When you thought you've forgotten what happiness was until it was shown to you in all its glory and beauty. How?

When you know deep in your heart and soul that that person is the one you were destined to be with. But you know he will never choose you. And that you ache every time you hear reality knocking. You cry and laugh the next minute because you know you'd rather be with him now than not to be without him at all.

That you're willing to be a doormat or a loyal dog, waiting for his beg and call.

That you feel foolish because you deserve more than this but still you cannot let go because in your 27 years of existence, this is probably the best thing that ever happened to you.

And that it scares the sh*t out you that you will lose this battle, when you know for a fact there wasn't even a contest. You keep telling yourself, 'enjoy the moment and don't think about the future.' But I do think about the future and I picture him in it.

But I don't want to be 'that' person.

So how do you say goodbye to happiness when for as long as you could remember it was all you asked for?

And he gave it to you.

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Bed Bar and Mr. Fu

Went out last night. Bed Bar at Malate and guess what? I had fun.

Surprised? Don't worry that makes two of us.

It's been so long since I went to BED. I remember those times, so many years back when I go to Malate every weekend, back when I was younger. We used to gather at Starbucks Robinsons Manila around 6pm and then have dinner then stay and dance until the Magtataho arrives for breakfast, hmmm... around 7 in the morning! Ain't that fun?

To compare: I arrived at Malate this morning around 12:30 and left around 3 am. Met up with Kolai and his friends. It was fun, purely dancing, chatting and just having a fantastic time. Radha (Burn, baby, burn...) sang and even the discreet guys began dancing and lip syncing to the tune of "If You Could Read My Mind." God, I remember when this was still hot on the charts being played at Giraffe. Yes, I began clubbing very early. 15 years old to be exact, probably why I don't do it often anymore. I outgrew it.

Anyway, aside from a fantastic dancing night and (cute) people watching, I got to meet one of my most-loved person, Mr. Fu. If you remember, I wrote a blog wanting to meet him here. And last night, perhaps because of the booze, when I saw him at BED I finally had the guts to approach him and say 'Hi', introduced myself and said I was a fan. And only a few moments ago, when I checked my Friendster, I saw a message from him.





So, I still went home date-less, number-less, s*x-less, single, but happy.

I'm still without love, but that doesn't mean I won't find it eventually. I just need someone na mambubulabog ng aking universssseeeee. MEHHH GANON?!?

Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Ramblings on A Date-less Friday Night

Thinking of what to write as I opened my laptop and waiting for pictures to finish uploading. Nothing has inspired me recently. Aside from yet another failed relationship that held a promise of forever. Which I refuse to write about. It doesn't deserve that story anymore.

So here I am watching a group of rugged so-called self-proclaimed street-magicians with annoyance at Gloria Jeans while trying very hard to alienate the rest of the world with Better Days by Dianne Reeves. Still, she could only do so much.

Friday night, dateless, gimmik-less, alone.

Not that I'm complaining. I just realized I liked this better. All signs point to the fact I am getting older.

So what is it about love that I so desperately search for it time and time again? Only to reach one dead-end after another. I should learn to be more detached, more careful and less involved. I think my problem is, I've been reading too much romance novels, watching too many romantic films and just freakin' fantasizing about it too darn much!

Oh well. That's just me.

On a more pleasant note, I'm watching this guy across me. Why? Because he just came out of the gym, looking so cute. He's the type that would just simply make you smile every morning when you wake up. And not to mention he has a near perfect smile. Seriously, he;s too darn cute! Too bad he's straight.

-o-

Anyhooo, I'm playing Jologs Quiz with Addie and we're at 2 all. Unbelievable how fantastic our conversations are at YM. I love it. We'd make a fantastic couple I bet. Unfortunately, he's been with a partner for years. DARN! (Addie, if you read this, just smile!)

-o-

Just saw two guys from across the table playing "Magic: The Gathering." I felt the sudden desire to run home and get my old, old, almost obsolete deck. I used to spend ridiculous money, obscene amount of time and sleepless nights because of that game. I haven't played in about 10 years or more. I think most of the rules have changed already and so did the game play. I used to be soooo proud playing my Stasis Deck, Pocker Deck and my favorite, My All-White-No-Untap Deck. My favorite card, Serra Angel. I even created an awesome drawing of it. I just couldn't find it anymore.

I wonder how much the Jester's Cup costs now?

Anyone of you guys have old decks, come let's play. You just have to update me on the rules.

-o-

Looking forward to Saturday. I'd better go out and dance. I need to. I have to. I want to.

WANTED: A Nice Conversation, Fantastic Company and UNBELIEVABLE S*X!

Second Flame

We’ve all felt it, the pain and the suffering of watching your heart break into thousands, and possible millions of pieces. Unrequited love, the cruelest, the most excruciating kind of love that we pray we never feel in our lifetime or will never feel again. When you try and get over that face and that smile, that voice, that feeling, that memory… that person. When you feel life is slowly fading because every breath is but a fleeting fervor of the love you once had.

And you try and get away. Go to a distant land and be happy to your new found solitude. Hoping you’ll meet new people and begin the painstaking process of moving on. And then, you feel that your starting to get back little pieces of yourself, only to find out it was not your old self. But a new you and you begin to wonder, is this improvement? But sooner or later you find yourself losing the battle to overlook love after all. You start to fall in love once more, and hoping that this time would be better, you plunge right back in. And you fall for the ‘bad’ once more.

You fall for the ‘bad’ because you keep telling yourself that they were wrong. And when that person does something ill, you ignore it and put it aside. But when the person does something good, you pat yourself at the back and say you knew it all along.

But like most things, love can come in the most unexpected time and even with the most suprising person.

They were right, I just had to wait.

I got my second chance with the person I met over 3 years ago and had broken up with for almost 2 years. For some reason, the love was still there. Faint but enough to rekindle what fire left from the past.

We’ve all felt it, love in whatever shape or form. And it just feels damn great!